Journal. Safety, contingency, control
It’s an absolutely gorgeous morning. The sun is almost above the pine trees, and I wish it would hurry. I decided I didn’t need to turn on the heat earlier and am now, well, cold. When I was out with V the other day and could see beyond the pines, it looked like the aspen were almost at peak. By the time I leave here, they’ll probably be done. Pine and spruce are all well in their way, but the whole timeless evergreen thing gets to me. I want change, and not just weather and sunrises. (Not to diminish two of the great wonders of everyday life, but there you are. I want a third.)
No bear incursions last night. Yay! Judging from the prints on the back doors, it wasn’t a huge bear—I’m guessing an adolescent. Is that comforting? I think so. I think scaring it off once may have been sufficient and even built its character. In the meantime, I’ve spent money I’d rather not have spent on bear spray and a motion detector system, both of which have huge potential to backfire. The spray can says right on it to only use it if the wind is heading away from you. Makes total sense, and I totally expected it, and yet, one cannot presumably always arrange the bears accordingly. The motion detector system is just as likely to turn me into a nervous wreck jumping at small noises every time some stupid rabbit decides to go exploring.
As with all safety devices, you hope they’re money well wasted. But also, they leave glaring gaps. If you try to fill them, you end up armed to the teeth and still looking over your shoulder, and I don’t want to end up that way! The whole idea of emergencies is that they’re things you didn’t see coming! I’m a little grumpy to have invested in my safety while knowing that having done so will actually increase my sense of fear. (Note: safety and fearlessness aren’t actually the same thing.) Do I want life, or do I want quality of life? (Note: I’d rather it wasn’t either/or.)
Do people actually feel safer with these things? I just look at them and see all the contingencies. Yes, this will work great IF all the stars line up correctly AND I perform brilliantly AND interpret the information correctly. What are the odds of ALL that? Survival is part planning/training and part common sense, but it is also part dumb luck. You have to make peace with that!
I think that’s why I’m getting grumpy (that and perhaps reaction to yesterday’s adrenaline and overdose on caffeine…). The safety measures just highlight the limits of control. Ah. Yes. That’s it. And I don’t believe total control is possible, which is also actually a useful survival strategy. Not believing in control lets you think flexibly and just hop in the damn cab and drive away. Somehow the presence of these devices is sending little siren song messages to my brain that control is possible—not just assistance in certain limited circumstances—and my brain is resisting. Yes. I think that’s where I needed to get. Good for you, brain! Don’t buy the hype.